


Save Me From Myself

by sandswinchester



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hydra, Love, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:16:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4564344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandswinchester/pseuds/sandswinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Y/N was the leading medic on the team catering to the Winter Soldier under the watchful eye of Hydra against her patriotic will. Now Captain America and the Falcon needs her help to track down her ‘patient’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a long day – almost two if you really thought about it. I’d just finished a 36 hour shift at the hospital’s trauma center. It had been grueling and exhausting. All I could think about right now was getting home and sinking into a nice warm bath.

 

But at the same time, I was feeling damn good about it. What an ordinary thing it was to do, wasn’t it? I have  _shifts_ , a proper ethical way to practice medicine, and to  _save_ people. Then I got to go home, do my own thing and feel actually safe without worrying about anyone watching me or eavesdropping on me to see if I’d leak their secrets. My life was now ordinary and simple. Most of all…it was safe. It was all I could ask for.

 

I wasn’t always an ordinary surgeon living an ordinary life. Just a few months back, I was working for a top secret government agency known as S.H.I.E.L.D. But here’s the kicker – I wasn’t actually working for the government, or even what S.H.I.E.L.D truly stood for. I was abruptly recruited to a top secret project by Alexander Pierce himself to medically attend to a special asset requiring specialized medical care. He told me that my expertise in bio-medical engineering would be invaluable in this project. Who was I to disagree? Besides, you didn’t ever say ‘no’ to a man like Alexander Pierce. You just didn’t.

By the time I actually figured out I was in truth working for Hydra within S.H.I.E.L.D, it was too late for me to even consider backing out. I’d seen too much by then. I knew too much. I’d seen their asset, the existence of which they wouldn’t have hesitated to kill to deny – the Winter Soldier.

 

So I was stuck working for the very enemy I thought I was fighting against because the only other option was to forfeit my life itself. All I did was take care of the soldier’s bionic arm. It was a piece of work by the way, far ahead its time. It was truly beautiful – the strength of metal combined with the actual feeling of a real arm, down to the very sensation of the fingertips.

I was the lead medic on the team and it killed me inside to know I was betraying my country even if I didn’t exactly have a choice. Still, I trained myself to think of the soldier as just another patient in need. It wasn’t too hard when I realized he was also a victim in all this – a dangerous, highly trained assassin of a victim, but a victim nonetheless. I grew to empathize, which was of course something I shouldn’t have done. It had not been my place.

But it was all in my past now. Thanks to Captain America, S.H.I.E.L.D was no more and Hydra was driven out. After an entire whole month of the necessary interrogations and testing, I was allowed to go do my own thing since I hadn’t been a part of Hydra. Not really. Not willingly.

So this was my life now – the ordinary doctor, leading an ordinary life. Some days though…some days I just couldn’t shake the feeling of being followed. It was probably just my paranoia creeping up on me. It wasn’t easy to shake off years of being habitually cautious in just a few months. So I tried to ignore the strange feeling and walked home.  _You’re nothing but an ordinary doctor leading an ordinary life. No one is after you,_ I told myself like a mantra as I let myself into my apartment and methodically turned about the ten locks I had installed on my door.

When someone knocked on it right after, I almost had the mind to ignore it. Still, I peered through the peep hole, which was futile considering I couldn’t really recognize who it was from the angle.

He knocked again. “Dr. Y/N Y/L/N?” he called out. “I’m Sam Wilson. Could I talk to you for a moment?”

So he knew my name. He knew where I lived. The paranoia made me wonder if he was the one following me. “I don’t know a Sam Wilson,” I told him while I kept the door still very much closed.

He chuckled. “Yeah I suppose. But I’m sure you know me as the Falcon.”

Damn it. Yeah I knew who he was. Goggles. Metal wings. Captain America’s buddy who helped him bring down Hydra within S.H.I.E.L.D. I peered at him again through the peep hole. Yup, it really  _was_ him.

Internally groaning, I unlocked the many locks once more and opened the door just a fraction. “What do you want with me?” I asked warily.

“Me? I don’t want anything,” he said. I raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, while contemplating whether or not to shut the door in his face. Then he continued, “But Captain America needs your help.”

I simply stared at him dumbfound, which I suppose prompted him to elaborate.

“Captain America? You remember him right? Swept right in and took down Hydra? Basically saved everyone’s lives?”

I nodded in confusion. “Of course I know him. I don’t understand what I could help him with though. I told everyone everything I knew about Hydra when they interrogated me.”

“Not everything,” he pointed out with a smirk. “We know about your work with the Winter Soldier.” He paused, gauging my reaction.

“What about him?” I asked, folding my hands in front of my chest.

“We need you to figure out a way to track him down,” he told me.

Damn it. I should have just shut the door in his face when I had the chance.


	2. Chapter 2

Meeting Captain America was pretty much one of the most phenomenal moments of my life. When Sam Wilson led me to his apartment where the good Captain was waiting, I walked in to find him waiting for us, and I swear to God, I could almost see freedom and patriotism emanate from him. He wasn’t even wearing his blue uniform or even carrying his shield. It was just the man – he was, and always has been a symbol for true American feelings. To put it mildly, I was awestruck.

So when he held out his hand to shake mine and introduced himself saying, “I’m Steve Rogers. It’s a pleasure to meet you ma’am,” I could only stare, completely awestruck.

“I know,” I whispered looking up at him, and I am sure I looked exactly like the woman who had more than a few PhDs under her belt –  _not_. I heard Sam Wilson snicker behind me and I abruptly let go of the Captain’s hand.  _Get yourself together, Y/N._ I cleared my throat a little. “How can I help you, Captain Rogers?” I asked in a more calm and put together voice, hoping I sounded more like a grown up woman and less like an awestruck child.

“Please, call me Steve,” he said offering a kind smile, and a seat at the little table in the apartment’s kitchen. “You were the lead medical officer on Hydra’s team catering to the Winter Soldier,” he stated.

I shrugged. “Yes. It’s common enough knowledge,” I agreed. I had nothing to hide. I’d already given the interrogators from CIA, NSA and what not everything I possibly could about Hydra after S.H.I.E.L.D. fell.

“And wasn’t the bionic arm on him your area of expertise?” he prompted. I nodded my agreement again. “Then,” he continued, “To the best of your knowledge, would you be able to track the soldier down?”

“I don’t understand how you expect me to do that, Captain. I mean Steve.” Yes. That’s right. I decided to play dumb with Captain America himself.

“You know  _exactly_  how,” Sam butted in, calling my bluff. “The arm runs on some software. That’s how he feels the sensations even though it’s made from metal. You may not have developed the system but you tweaked it. Now we – or even the best hackers we know – couldn’t crack it because it’s a whole new level of tech. But you! You could. We know you could.”

I stared at them both not knowing what to say. How did they even know so much?

“We raided a recent Hydra facility in DC that held the Winter Soldier,” Steve explained. “It was all there in the files, especially the ones you updated. That’s how we even knew to come to you.”

“Of course,” I muttered mostly to myself. “So lets say I could actually track him down for you? What next?”

“You do the tracking, Dr. Y/L/N. Leave the rest to us professionals,” Sam said leaning back on his chair.

That was the thing you know. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be a part of that again. I’d track him down for them and then walk away back to my little apple pie life I got going on and they’d put him in captivity all over again – just like Hydra. I was there for the last wipe. I remembered his screams…the pain. S.H.I.E.L.D, Hydra or whatever else that wanted the Winter Soldier, for them, he was naught but an assassin that needed to be kept in check. I couldn’t be a part of it.

* * *

 

_[Flashback]_

_I stared at the screen displaying the Winter Soldier’s stats as Alexander Pierce himself walked into the little laboratory they’d set up, as far away as I could be while the men held the assassin at gun point. Hell, I didn’t want to be anywhere near the room – but it was my job to make sure he was medically stable. I had no choice._

_Motioning for the guns to be lowered, Pierce commanded, “Mission report?” The soldier simply stared blankly ahead of him almost seeming as if he couldn’t hear – like he was stuck in his own mind. “Mission report. Now,” Pierced insisted more fiercely. Still nothing but a blank stare was all he got._

_Angered by the lack of response from the ‘asset’, Pierce slapped him. The sound of flesh striking flesh so aggressively almost made me gasp. I glanced at the almost helpless look on the soldier’s face. He looked like nothing I’d ever seen him before through my last two months of being around him. He was usually so in command and rigid, showing no emotion whatsoever – not even anger. Now this helpless, forlorn look on his face had me mesmerized. For the life of me, I couldn’t seem to look away._

_Finally glancing at his commander, he spoke. “The man on the bridge…who was he?”_

_I couldn’t be sure who this ‘man on the bridge’ was but I’d heard from fellow field operatives that they’d come across Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff and some other dude in some suit with metal wings. All I could see was the confusion and chaos etched across the soldier’s face._

_“You met him earlier this week on another assignment,” Pierce said in way of explanation._

_“I knew him,” the soldier whispered almost to himself, and I even I could see from where I stood that he meant in a way more than just a mission. I didn’t know what really. I mean I didn’t even know the guy’s real name but in that moment I knew that whatever memory that was coming up regardless of the ‘wiping’ done by Hydra was close to the soldier in a big way._

_Pierce pulled up the stool and sat in front of the assassin so they were now eye-to-eye. “Your work has been a gift to mankind,” he said calmly trying to get through despite whatever confusion addling the asset’s mind. “You shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos, and tomorrow morning we are going to give it a push,” he continued, referring to whatever top mission or agenda on Hydra’s to-do list for tomorrow. “But if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine, and Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”_

_It seemed that Pierce’s words were getting through but in all honesty, it wasn’t. the soldier stared at his commander, looking more lost than ever. “But I knew him,” he whispered once more, almost as if he couldn’t understand why and how he knew whoever this man on the bridge was._

_Finally frustrated about not getting anywhere with him, Pierce stood up and instructed the doctors, including me. “Prep him.” I knew that meant to put the soldier in the freezer again – literally. I’d never seen it happen but I couldn’t imagine how it felt to be frozen in time against one’s will._

_The doctor in charge of that said, “But he’s been out of cryo-freeze too long.”_

_“Then wipe him,” Pierce ordered. “And start over.”_

_I was still staring at the Winter Soldier when Pierce said that so I saw the fear that briefly passed through his eyes to be replaced swiftly by a look of acceptance. ‘Wiping’ meant to erase his memories, and it’s been done to him countless times. Yet, he remembered what it meant I think. He shouldn’t have considering the whole point of wiping was to make sure he didn’t._

_The doctor stepped forward to prep him for the procedure. When he held out the mouth guard, even without being told to do so, the soldier opened up his mouth so it could be placed. The grim look of determination and acceptance on his face told me that though they thought he didn’t remember the procedure, he did. He knew how it hurt._

_As they locked his arms into the chair and lowered him, his eyes met mine. It was purely an accident but they lasted longer than they should have. Tears sprang to mine. Assassin, asset, criminal, or whatever he was…no one deserved this. No one deserved to be stripped of his own free will and to be subjected to this kind of inhumane treatment. And here I was, as much a part of it all as any of the loyal Hydra followers. Clearly I was in the wrong line of work._

_He was breathing heavily and almost gasping even before the procedure began. Even if his mind didn’t fully remember, his body clearly remembered the pain. I couldn’t watch anymore. I turned away as the screams filled the room. I lowered my head and turned away while the screams drowned out the sobs that unwillingly escaped me._

* * *

 

“I can’t do it, Captain. Not unless you tell me what you want with him,” I insisted.

To say the captain was slightly taken back my sudden ferocity was an understatement.

“What’s it to you?” Sam asked, more out of genuine curiosity than anything else.

I sighed. Should I just lie to Captain America, the man who basically saved so many live – mine included, or should I just tell him the truth? I decided with the latter. “I know what he is, okay? I know he’s this assassin – a freaking cold blooded killer. He’s dangerous. He needs to be stopped. But you don’t know what Hydra did to him. I saw it with my own two eyes.” I shuddered. Even the memory of it still haunted me.

“They tortured him, Cap,” I said. “They tortured him, stripped him of his own memories and basically brainwashed him. I don’t know what you want with him but I can’t be a part of anything that puts him through something that inhumane. I just can’t.”

“Again I ask you. What’s it to you?” Sam asked and this time there was a threatening tone that insinuated that maybe I was in league with the assassin himself.

This was  _not_ the case obviously. I barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes. “I’m a doctor. Whatever I’d been forced to do by Hydra and sometimes S.H.I.E.L.D, I am first and foremost a doctor. I’m wired to help people, to heal them, regardless of who they are. To knowingly subject someone, even a known criminal, to something horrible, is just against who I am.” I looked up at them both and then let my gaze rest on Steve. “So  _I_ ask  _you_  again. What do you want with the Winter Soldier?”

With a sigh of resignation, Steve replied. “He’s my best friend.”

“Come again?”

“I don’t know how much you know of all this but the man you refer to as the Winter Soldier is my childhood best friend, Bucky,” Steve explained. “When the 107th was captured…”

“I know the story, Cap,” I interrupted, completely shocked. Anyone worth his salt knew of the legendary escapades of Captain America, and that meant of the rest of the Howling Commandos. Bucky Barnes or James Buchanan Barnes, who had been Steve Roger’s best friend from childhood, had been the only Howling Commando to give his life in line of duty. I knew the story. I grew up listening to those stories thanks to my grandfather who’d also been an officer of the 107th. “But he died, didn’t he?”

“Clearly not,” Sam quipped. “So will you help us or what, Doc?”

As the information sank in, I intently looked into the Captain’s eyes. “So no torture? You promise?”

“I promise, Dr. Y/L/N,” he replied smiling and I knew he was telling the truth. “I just need to find him so I can help him be the man who he really is – a good man. Not this stone cold killer Hydra made him be. I can’t do that without your help.”

“Alright,” I said. Then again, when Captain America asked for your help after a bit of a speech like that, I didn’t think anyone could say no. “I’ll need a computer though.”

Sam handed me a laptop from somewhere and I began typing away. “When I added in my tweaks to the system and the bionic arm, I also installed a tracker,” I explained as I hacked in. “So that in case recovery was necessary in event of a contingency, Hydra would be able to track and easily retrieve the Winter Soldier. But the thing is…I never told anyone about it. I think a part of me didn’t want him to be found if he ever got away.”

Steve smiled on in approval. “But you can track him right?”

I nodded, and with a final tap on the keyboard, I turned the screen to Steve. “Voila! There’s your Bucky.” Steve read out loud the address on screen, making me gasp, “Oh my god.” I felt my body go into an almost panic attack.

“That’s the address,” Steve said looking at me, confused about my sudden outburst. “What’s wrong? Do you know the place?”

“Yeah, I know the place,” I whispered. “That’s  _my_ apartment.”


	3. Chapter 3

I stared at Sam Wilson’s face after listening to his so called plan ahead as if he was insane. He was clearly, or he wouldn’t have suggested what he just had. “Are you out of your mind?” I all but shrieked and I saw Steve wince.

Sam held up his hands palms forward in a soothing gesture meant to calm me down. “Hear me out, alright?” he asked and upon my continued silence, he continued. “We’ll be right outside with a team. You go in, see what he wants, and stall him so we can get him when he least expects it. It’s a solid plan.”

“It’s a  _terrible_  plan!” I shouted, nervously glancing at the very silent Captain America. “Is this guy for real?” I asked him, referring to Sam Wilson.

A look passed between Sam and Steve. I didn’t know what it meant. “Look,” Steve said. “I can’t ask you to do this. This is not your problem. I don’t think we should jeopardize her life. I think we need to figure out a different plan, Sam.”

“Her life is already jeopardized, Captain, whether we like it or not. He is at her apartment for godsake! What’s she going to do? Run for the rest of her life?” Sam asked.

He had a point. I didn’t understand why the Winter Soldier, or Bucky as they liked to call him, was even at my home. We barely knew each other. Hell! I haven’t even spoken two words with him. I told Sam and Steve as much.

Sam raised a quizzical brow at me. “If he doesn’t know you, and you haven’t spoken two words with him, why the hell is he in your apartment right now?”

I shrugged trying to be nonchalant about it. “I don’t know. I’m telling you! I’ve never even spoken to the man. I swear!” I insisted.

But that of course was another lie…

* * *

 

[ _Flashback]_

_When the wiping procedure was done, the room was left alone. I stayed behind with the soldier to monitor his stats and to make sure he was stable. When he awoke, he was silent and yet I felt it across the room._

_I slowly approached him. It was a risky thing to do. He was known to be erratic and violent without given reason. He watched me get closer but the look in his deep blue eyes was blank – no emotion, and definitely no recognition._

_“Please don’t kill me, okay? I’m just getting you some water to drink,” I said softly. Then not knowing if he’d understand English, I repeated the same in Russian. The brief nod he gave was the only acquiescence I received._

_I poured a glass of water and took it to him. He looked down at his still restricted arms. He was strapped to the chair and I couldn’t really free him. It wasn’t my place. “I wish I could get rid of those, but I’d get into a lot of trouble for that. If they knew I was even talking to you, they might kill me, you understand?” I asked. Again he nodded, his eyes never leaving my face._

_He was looking at me like I was some kind of strange creature, like I was something he couldn’t understand. It got me wondering…What if this was the first time anyone was being genuinely kind towards him in a century or so? It was despairing._

_I slowly and gently lifted up the glass to his soft, dry lips. He gulped it down as much as he could, and I figured all the screaming must have made him hoarse. Afterwards, I even wiped away his mouth and he did something so strange. When my hands touched his face, at first he flinched, as if he was expecting every touch to be one of pain, but then he leaned in, feeling the touch of my hand against his skin. This was probably the first time he felt non-violent human contact. What kind of life was this? How could anyone be deserving of this? It only made me hate Hydra even more._

_“For what it’s worth, I’m so_ so  _sorry about everything you’re going through,” I whispered, and as much as I tried to hold them back, one tear escaped my eyes to roll down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”_

_Then I moved away with a muffled sob and moved to lay down the glass on the table. With my back turned to him, I quickly wiped away the tears and adjusted my lab coat. When I moved towards the door, I could have sworn I heard him say something in his hoarse, curt voice. I could have sworn it almost sounded like, “Thank you.” But if you really think about it, I had probably imagined that._

* * *

 

“You’re right though,” I told Sam, finally coming to terms with everything. “I can’t run forever. Fine, I’ll go in and see what he wants. What’s the worst that could happen with Captain America watching over me, right?” I laughed nervously, trying to make light of the very dire situation I was in.

“I can’t ask you to do this, Dr. Y/L/N,” the Cap said solemnly. “It’s too dangerous. I can’t put you at risk.”

“Hey, call me Y/N. If we are doing this, we might as well be on first name basis, right?” I said mustering up a grin. Then my gaze turned solemn. “Listen, Cap. I  _want_ to help you. Not just because I want you to help your best friend but also because I can’t throw away my life. I can’t live the life I want if an assassin is after me. I can’t keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Been there, done that – not pleasant at all.”

Steve nodded his acknowledgment of my point. “Then here’s how we do it,” he said and began relaying the plan.

I wondered what kind of mess I’d gotten myself into. I wondered if the price would end up being my life.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The ride back home, which I of course took alone to avoid raising any suspicions in the master assassin’s mind, was tense. I was playing the potential scenario over and over, trying out different outcomes but whatever said and done, they all ended badly – badly for me. Who was I kidding? I am not cut out for things like this. Hell no! But in truth, it didn’t seem like I had another choice. I had to confront him. I couldn’t avoid him even if I tried, considering he was in my apartment like it was no big deal. At least now I had Captain America and the Falcon looking out for me. At least I wasn’t walking into this mess blind and unprepared…almost.

 

Riding the elevator up to my floor, I tried to calm myself. It wouldn’t do any good to let him know I was nervous. I didn’t want to give him more reason to suspect anything or basically go into an unwarranted fit of rage and assassination-mode of some sort. I didn’t know what to expect from this guy!  _Breathe, Y/N. Just breathe,_ I reminded myself as I let myself into the apartment.

 

I tried to be as calm as possible. I laid down my keys in the little bowl I always keep them and walked to the kitchen. There was something I needed to get before I faced the Winter Soldier. I pulled out the drawer and reached for what I was looking for only to find that it wasn’t there.

 

“It’s on the table,” a voice informed me gruffly making my glance up in a gasp. He was standing in the far dark corner of my living room, facing the window looking at the New York skyline. The gun I kept for emergencies was on my coffee table in the center of the living room, and the bullets were carefully laid out neatly in a row. He turned to face me. His long hair covered his face but his blue eyes were intense. “You knew I was here.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

 

“This is my house. I know when I’m not alone,” I said as evenly as possible. I stared right back at him, trying be brave when I was feeling as anything but. “How did you find me?” I asked him. He simply stared at me, silent. Maybe that  _was_ a stupid question. He’s a master assassin trained to track people and hunt them down. If he wanted to find me, that’s exactly what he’d do. “I felt watched,” I said trying to understand. “Like I was followed. Was that you? That was you, wasn’t it? Were you  _watching_ me?”

 

Only silence followed, but this time, something flickered in his eyes, and if I hadn’t imagined it, it seemed a little bit like guilt. Then he started walking towards me, and all the calmness I was trying to maintain simply went to hell.

 

“Don’t! Stop!” I shrieked, covering my eyes and head with my arms, ducking for cover. “Please don’t kill me! Please don’t! Please!!” Then I waited for the blow or a gunshot that I knew would definitely come. Except, it didn’t.

 

I snuck a peak at him, only to see he had stopped in mid motion. He was staring at me, as alarmed by me as I was by him.

 

“Please, don’t kill me,” I whispered once more, straightening up.

 

The look of confusion on his face would have been adorable if we weren’t in the situation we were in right now. “If I wanted to kill you, you would have been dead the moment you stepped through the door,” he said simply.

 

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. Since that was established, I thought it was safe to ask, “Okay? Then why  _are_ you here?”

 

“My arm is malfunctioning. You are going to fix it.”

 

I raised a brow at him. This was no time to be sassy with an assassin but he didn’t even ask. He didn’t ask if I would help him, he didn’t ask me if I’d be willing to – he didn’t even say please. How rude! Of course, I didn’t say any of that out loud. Instead I asked, “Why me?”

 

“Fix the arm before I change my mind.”

 

“Change your mind about what?”

 

“On not killing you.”

 

He said it so casually, it took me a moment or two to let it sink in. I gulped. “Let’s not get hasty now, okay? I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it!” Then I just stood there, simply staring at him. I couldn’t walk towards him. Fear gripped me and stood me grounded where I was. But I couldn’t exactly fix his arm without getting closer to him, now could I?

 

Tentatively, I forced my feet to move. He watched me warily. Hesitantly, I laid a hand gently on the metal arm. “What exactly needs fixing?” I asked looking at the arm and avoiding his gaze. Maybe if I didn’t look at him, he wouldn’t see in my eyes that I was conspiring with Captain America to have him captured. Maybe!

 

“It’s malfunctioning. It stops sometimes. It must have short circuited when I fell into the water from the hellcarrier when…” There was a far away tone to the last part of it that made me look up at him. He was looking at me but I felt he was caught in a memory. There was a lost look in his eyes that made me almost feel sorry for him. Then he quickly shook it off and I saw him put on the mask of fearless assassin once more. “Can you fix it?” he asked sternly.

 

“I can,” I said with a nod, stepping away, trying to put some distance between up without making it too obvious. “It’ll take a while. You might have to stay the night.”

 

He narrowed his gaze at me, almost like he knew I was up to something. I was, but he couldn’t know that right?  _Right?_  “No. Fix it now.” He didn’t shout. He didn’t sound angry. He was so monotonous and emotionless that it was a whole new level of threatening. It was in his stance. It was in his presence. If Captain America radiated patriotism and freedom, the Winter Soldier radiated sheer sense of danger and menace.  _This_  was Captain America’s freaking best friend? What the actual fuck?

 

“I can’t do it in a second. I need to check the software, maybe re-upload. That’ll take more than just an hour or two,” I explained. Then I met his eyes. “If anyone’s going to be unhappy about it, it’s going to be me. I’m the one who doesn’t want to be here.  _You_ came to  _me,_ ” I pointed out. “So are you going to let me do it right, or not?”

 

He stared at me for a few seconds, as if trying to gauge the truth of my words. For what it was worth, it actually  _was_ the truth. Finally he nodded his agreement, and I made him sit down on the sofa.

 

Soon, I was peaking into the arm’s mechanical wiring and tweaking it. It was going to be a long tense night ahead. A few hours in, I was nearing the last bit of the first part when I heard him say, “I didn’t mean what I said.”

 

I lifted my head to find him already watching me. He seemed to do that a lot – stare that is. It seemed like he was trying to make sense of the world around him and the people around him by observation. It was unnerving, and sad at the same time. “You didn’t mean what?”

 

“I wouldn’t change my mind. I wasn’t going to actually kill you.”

 

My eyebrows scrunched up on their own in confusion. “Oh. Okay. Thank you?” the words came out whiny at the end. I cleared my throat and repeated, “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” he said and I could have sworn I saw a brief smirk on his lips. Now it was me who was staring. His lips were  _so_  pink. So pink and plump. They were the kind of lips that I wouldn’t have minded kissing. I wouldn’t have minded at all!  _What the hell are you thinking, Y/N?_ I berated myself. This guy could rip me in half with his bare bionic arm.

 

“Are we done?” he asked, breaking me out of my reverie.

 

I nodded, getting up. “We are, for now. The system is reloading. I’ll take a look at it in the morning to fix up the rest.” I motioned to the sofa he sat, and told him, “You can sleep here. Would you like some blankets?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Would you like something to eat? I mean, is that the sort of thing you do?”

 

Again, he shook his head.

 

I wasn’t hungry either. I just needed to sleep. I said as much and went into my bedroom. Leaning against the door, I heaved a sigh of relief. I got through this. I made it this far. I could do the rest too. I got ready for bed and got under the covers.

 

I was conspiring with Captain freaking America. There was an ex-Hydra assassin sleeping on my living room sofa. I am in way over my head. Again, I wondered,  _what in the world had I gotten myself into?_


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up feeling like I was in a freaking sauna. I had no sense of time or place and I could feel my own heart racing like it would escape my chest.

 

_The dreams._

I wiped my face with my palm and leaned over to check the time on my phone on the nightstand. It was a little before 4 o’clock in the morning. I could squeeze in a few more hours of sleep but right now, the way I was feeling, sleep was the furthest thing from my mind.

 

I found myself walking towards the kitchen through the barely lit apartment in a state in between sleep and wakefulness. I was peering through my fridge when I heard him.

 

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked in a gruff voice that startled me out of my pants – no, not literally, but close enough.

 

“Shit!” I gasped out, holding a hand above my heart, trying to calm my breathing. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like this!”

 

He was sitting right where I left him, on my sofa. His hair was disheveled and he looked tired, but he was very much awake. “I didn’t mean to,” he said softly, and I realized it was as close to an apology as I would get.

 

I grabbed some milk and poured two glasses. Then I sat down next to him, a little further away, and handed him a glass. He looked at me like I was offering him poison. “It’s just milk,” I told him and waited patiently. Glancing between me and the glass, he finally took it and began sipping it slowly.

 

“Why aren’t _you_ asleep?” I asked him.

 

I didn’t expect an answer. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist anyway. Still, I did receive a reply. “I just can’t,” was all he said.

 

And yet, somehow I understood exactly what he meant. “The nightmares, huh?”

 

His eyes stared into mine, intense, blue and so tortured, that I could almost feel my heart breaking. He neither agreed nor disagreed but I knew this was the reason.

 

Hesitantly, I reached out to lay a hand on his. “It’s okay,” I whispered in a soothing voice, when he tensed up. “You can sleep. I’ll wake you up if it gets too bad. I promise.”

 

He pulled the hand away from underneath mine. “I can’t,” he muttered gruffly, without even looking my way.

 

“You _need_ to. You can’t function like this. You look like you haven’t slept properly in a week.”

 

“Two. Two weeks,” he whispered, sneaking a glance at me, and my heart broke even more. Looking at me like that, he looked like a little lost child, and not the dangerous assassin I’d been trained to fear.

 

I made a move to the little comfortable chair in front of the sofa. “I’ll stay here with you. If it gets too bad, I’ll wake you.” I settled into the chair.

 

He watched me warily. He watched me for a couple of minutes, and then slowly, very slowly, he lied down as much as a man like he could on the sofa. His breathing didn’t slow to an even rhythm for almost another couple of minutes.

 

I watched him for a while. I couldn’t help myself. He looked at peace in sleep and yet, if you looked closely enough you could see the tension marring his brows. The way he held himself was rigid even then. How torturous must it be to never be at peace? To never rest and feel safe? I couldn’t even imagine it and yet this had probably been his life for almost forever.

 

With deep regret and trepidation, I stood up. I had a mission to accomplish. I was rethinking the whole plan right now but there was no way for me to turn back. I reached into the pocket of my pajama bottoms and armed myself.

 

I leaned over the Winter Soldier and waited. His breathing remained even and unchanged. I didn’t want to waste time thinking anymore. I needed it to be over. I plunged the syringe into his right arm of flesh and in that very instant, his metal fingers clamped around my neck.

 

He was awake and staring at me with the promise of death in his eyes. “What are you _doing_?” he bellowed, attempting to get up, and lifting me by the neck with him.

 

My feet were dangling above the ground and all I could whisper was a simple plea for him to not hurt me, which I doubt he even heard. The metal was tightening around me until it suddenly wasn’t. His grip went slack, and he looked at me with rage mixed with confusion.

 

“What did you do?” he asked, his voice sounding weaker. The dose was taking affect, and he involuntarily let me go. “What did you do to me?”

 

Gasping for air, and massaging my neck, I flurried away towards the door to get as far away as I could. The Winter Soldier collapsed unconscious on my sofa. I quickly texted Sam Wilson letting him know that  it was done.

 

And I prayed to God that Captain Rogers and Sam knew what in the world they were doing.

 

I kept replaying that moment the soldier had realized I had betrayed him. I remembered the fury in his eyes, all directed at me. I did _not_ want to be anywhere around him ever again. I didn’t ever want the opportunity to find out what form his fury would take because I knew it would not end well for me. Nope. Just nope.

 

I just needed all this to be over. I _need_ to go back to my normal life.

 

But little did I know that it was all just only beginning…


	6. Chapter 6

Steve pulled back after the final punch against the sandbag, his training for the day completed. Attired in a simple white t-shirt and grey sweatpants, he was barely breathing heavily even after two grueling hours in the training room. He began unwrapping the bandage on his fist just as Natasha walked in. She acknowledged him with a friendly nod as she began prepping and setting up for her own workout.

 

He barely realized he had gotten lost in thought until he heard her call out to him. He turned to find her gazing up at him with a worried look on her flawless face. “Are you alright?” she asked him.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” he tried to brush her off with a nonchalant shrug.

 

She knew he was anything but alright. In fact, he hadn’t been alright since he found out Bucky was the Winter Soldier, and he’d been even more troubled ever since he had brought Bucky to the Avengers tower. She knew all this, and yet she decided not to push him.

 

“It’s just…he hasn’t said a word, Natasha. Not a single word,” he whispered, barely audible. Natasha said nothing, but waited patiently for him to go on. “He won’t even look at me, and when he does, it’s like he doesn’t even know me. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him.”

 

“You read the files, Steve. You know what they did to him. You need to give him time,” she reminded him. “He’s not trying to leave. He’s here isn’t he?”

 

“I know, I know,” Steve agreed, but the tension marring his brow never left when he looked at her. “I just want to help him be himself again. I need to help him but I don’t know how.”

 

The redhead shrugged. “Maybe you’re going about it wrong. Maybe instead of trying to help him, you should try to convince him that he needs your help, that you _could_ help,” she said making Steve glance at her in confusion. Seeing that, she elaborated. “He needs to realize he _needs_ help before he could be helped. He needs to realize he can trust you before he can let you help. You get my drift?”

 

Steve hadn’t planned on opening up to anyone about his concerns over Bucky, least of all Natasha, but he was glad he had. She made sense. Bucky needed to trust him before he could even be open to receiving Steve’s help. Yet, Steve had no idea how exactly get about that. How can you _make_ someone trust another? The answer was that you couldn’t. It had to happen naturally. Whatever said and done, keeping Bucky shut away in a room in The Avengers Tower under surveillance wasn’t exactly helping with the trust issues. It was true he wasn’t trying to leave, but it was also obvious he didn’t want to stay. Still, Steve had no other choice. He couldn’t just let his friend go and risk losing him forever.

 

“You’re right,” he said to Natasha. “Thanks.” He meant it.

 

She smiled in that cheeky way of hers. “You know, Steve, I’m _always_ right,” she said with a wink, making Steve laugh out loud.

 

* * *

 

 

The slight knock on the door made the room’s lone occupant to glance up. It was always the _man on the bridge_ , the one they called Steve. This time was no different. The soldier stared straight ahead, ignoring everyone and everything.

 

He’d barely moved unless to use the bathroom or to engage in the parts of his training he could manage while cooped up in a bedroom. He’d barely eaten the food they’d given him. He’d barely spoken to anyone. He’d barely done anything. This wasn’t anything different from what it was back when he worked for Hydra, except now he was aware of it. He was starting to think for himself. He was starting to see how wrong it was to feel barely alive. He was starting to see a lot of things lately even though he couldn’t really make sense of it without any memories to place the information in the right contexts.

 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said in way of greeting. _What the hell was a ‘Buck?’_   This man, Steve, kept calling him by different names – sometimes James, but mostly it was Buck or Bucky. He realized that these were probably his names or what he was called before his time as the Winter Soldier. He vaguely remembered some German scientist called Dr. Zola referring to him as Sergeant Barnes but that could have just as well been nothing more than a messed up dream for all he knew. The gist of it was, he didn’t know what to call himself. He was more than just the “asset” or the Winter Soldier. He didn’t know who was Bucky or how to be this Bucky. He didn’t know who he was, and though it didn’t show on the outside, this lack of identity, now that he was finally think things through, was killing him inside.

 

Steve stepped in, closing the door and waited to be acknowledged. Obviously, that didn’t happen. The Winter Soldier continued to stare at nothing and remained silent.

 

“How are you feeling today, Bucky?” Steve asked, not expecting a response. “I know you must be confused. All this technology and new things can be very hard to understand at first,” he went on forcing a smile out. He always did this, trying to make a conversation happen even if the other party didn’t contribute at all. It was his way of reaching out and he had no idea if it was working or not. “If you’re bored we could do something. We could train or something. Would you like that?”

 

Steve sighed in defeat at the way Bucky simply ignored him. He felt helpless beyond belief. He sometimes wondered if bringing Bucky in had been a selfish decision on his part but he convinced himself by justifying that him being here in the Avengers Tower kept him safe from Hydra and whoever else was hunting the Winter Soldier. Still, he was not breaking through to his friend, and he felt helpless knowing there was nothing he could do to change that.

 

A minute or two of silence later, Steve turned around to leave. His presence or his words weren’t doing anything, and seeing his best friend this way only hurt Steve. He opened the door.

 

“How did you find me?”

 

Startled, Steve flipped around to find Bucky staring at him, his eyes intense and grim. For a moment, Steve debated over whether or not to tell the truth. He didn’t want Bucky to feel like his privacy has been violated by Steve, just like Hydra had. He didn’t want Bucky to think that he had tracked him down like some criminal, even though that was exactly what he’d done.

 

“You knew I was there at the Doctor’s home long before you should have. How did you find me?” Bucky repeated calmly. Except he wasn’t calm at all. His fists were clenched where they rested on top of his thighs and the shoulders leaning against the chair were tense.

 

Steve remembered Natasha’s words that morning. Trust was key, and you didn’t build trust with lies, so he opted for the truth. He explained about the tracker and Dr. Y/L/N’s part in tracking him down.

 

At the end of it, Bucky said nothing more. He was silent again, and Steve made a move to exit the room. He was feeling a little better. Just a little. After almost three weeks of Bucky being here in the Avengers Tower, today was the first time he’d willingly initiated any form of communication. It was such a little thing, but it was still a start. It was progress. Steve was afraid to but he felt hopeful nonetheless. Maybe just maybe, he _could_ get his best friend back. Just maybe…

 

Steve had barely reached the elevator when a loud scream filled with pain and anguish filled the hallways, jolting him to run as quickly as he could back towards Bucky’s room. Bucky was kneeling on the ground, with a nail he’d unscrewed from some furniture in his hand – the nail he’d used to rip his own metal arm apart. The beeping, blinking tracker was on the ground next to him.

 

Bucky looked up at him, with fire in his eyes. “You do _not_ own me. No one does. Not anymore.” The last was a whisper uttered almost as a vow.

 

Steve could see how in pain his friend was but when he tried to get close, he could have sworn Bucky actually growled at him. “Friday,” he called out to the A.I running the tower. “Get me Stark. It’s an emergency.”

 

“Yes, Captain Rogers,” the mechanical female voice rang through the room.

 

 _Damn it, Buck! What have you done?_ Steve thought desperately.

 

* * *

 

 

“Well?” Steve asked expectantly, looking between Dr. Banner and Tony Stark. They were in Stark’s laboratory with Bucky strapped to a chair, under strict observation. He hated having to restrain him but there was no other choice. He couldn’t endanger the others in the room, not when Bucky was obviously hurt and unstable.

 

“His metal arm is completely non-functional,” Tony declared.

 

“And considering his nerves are connected to the metal wiring, he’s probably in a lot of pain. A _lot_ ,” Banner added, making Steve visibly wince. He couldn’t help it.

 

“The question is, can you guys fix it?” Sam asked the two scientists. The guy had arrived the instant Steve had called.

 

The look on Banner’s face wasn’t very encouraging. “I don’t know. It doesn’t look like we can.”

 

“What Banner is trying to say here is that this Hydra tech is pretty much like Greek to us. It’s like nothing we’ve seen before,” Tony elaborated. “If we try to fix it, we’d be going in blind. We might end up doing more harm than good.”

 

Steve was frustrated. It was like things just kept going downhill and it was all out of his control. “So what you’re saying is there’s nothing we could do?”

 

Tony shrugged. “What can I say, Capsicle? I’m just telling you like it is.”

 

Banner sighed in exasperation at Tony for taking this so lightly. Clearly, this was very important to Steve. “If it had been a clean cut, maybe we could have done something but the way things are, it’s all ripped apart. We need someone who is familiar with this tech or at least biomechanical engineering than we are.”

 

Hearing this, Sam perked up. “Biomechanical you say? I think I know someone…” he trailed of thoughtfully, looking at the Captain. “Don’t we, Steve?”

 

Steve shook his head decisively in a negative motion. “We can’t, Sam.”

 

“It’s the only option, unless you want him to be like this forever,” Sam pointed out.

 

“She got out for a reason. We have no right to bring her back in,” Steve protested weakly, knowing very well that Sam was right. Sam just stared back at Steve, letting the soldier come to his own decision, and Steve sighed in resignation. “Fine. Call her then.” It was a terrible idea. He had no right to do it. This was a disaster in the making. Still, he had no other choice.

 

The Winter Soldier had silently listened to the entire conversation around him. He’d mastered the art of hiding his emotions and not reacting that no one would have ever known what was going through his mind. He knew they were going to bring the doctor in. The knowledge brought anger to the surface.

 

He wasn’t used to feeling strong emotions other than confusion. He got angry but never this intensely. He didn’t remember being this angry in a long while, but then again he didn’t remember much at all. The very thought of coming face to face with the doctor again made him remember how betrayed he felt when she had drugged him, which led him to be brought here. He had trusted her. He had relied on her. She had _made_ him trust her only to betray him in the end. It almost hurt considering he’d never expected it. Not from her.

 

But at the same time, the thought of seeing her again…it made him feel something else too. He couldn’t figure out exactly what this other emotion he was feeling but it was something very akin to _hope_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be switching to 3rd person narrative to include Bucky's thought process in the story line a little bit more. Hope that's okay :)


	7. Chapter 7

It was a beautiful morning. I stared out at the city that basically everyone dreamed of living in. I mean _Taylor Swift_  wrote a freaking song about it! I didn’t have to wonder why. I marveled at the dawning sun hitting the tall skyscrapers in the most perfect light, with a steaming cup of coffee in my hand, thinking to myself,  _I am living the dream._

 

It’s been a few weeks since the unexpected fiasco with the Winter Soldier and I was kinda getting a grip back on my life again finally. Back to normalcy. Back to my job at the hospital. Back to a safe life free of drama, Hydra, super soldiers or amnesiac assassins.

 

Just the way I liked it.

 

I looked at the time and hurriedly got ready, not wanting to be late. You’d think it was my first day back to work after the incident or something but it truly wasn’t. It was just one of those days, and I didn’t know how to explain it except to say it felt  _good_. It was a good day to feel hopeful and happy, and I wanted to make it last as long as I could.

 

Boy, oh, boy! Could I have been more wrong…

 

Grabbing my keys off the usual bowl I kept them in, I unlocked myself and stepped out. There was a guy walking possibly towards me in the corridor. I squinted at him, trying to place him in my memory. _Is that Mr. Collins’ nephew?_ My glasses were in my bag and it would be a bother to take them out so squinting like a weirdo was all I could do. But as he walked closer – and faster now that he’s seen me maybe – his face became clearer. He was definitely  _not_ Mr. Collins’ nephew.

_Oh HELL no!_

 

I quickly reopened my door hoping to step back inside and shut the door in his face, but his foot and then his hand made me stop. I tried to push it shut nonetheless but this guy was strong. He may not be Captain America but he just wouldn’t budge.

 

“Go away, Sam!” I hissed at him while we struggled at the door. I felt childish about what we were doing but the alternative was to let things go to hell all over again. So no. Just  _no_.

 

“Just hear me out, Y/N,” he said grinning, and he wasn’t even out of breath. I, on the other hand, was already tired with our little tug-of-war with my front door.

 

“Last time I did that, I almost  _died_ , Sam Wilson,” I reminded him, glaring. “So whatever it is, the answer is  _no._ ”

 

“Captain America needs your help.”

 

“Not working this time.”

 

“It’s a matter of life and death.”

 

I glared at him some more when he said that, but I ended up giving up on trying to shut the door in his face. “Who’s life?” I asked, raising a brow at him for his flair for drama and folding my arms in front of my chest defensively.

 

He gave me a knowing look. “Bucky Barnes, or as you call him, the Winter Soldier.” I tried to shrug his words off as if they didn’t affect me but they did, and I think he saw right through my bluff. “Look, I know you care about him, Y/N. As messed up as it is, you do,” he said and when I shook my head in a negative motion, he added, “There’s no denying it. You care what happens to him.”

 

“What makes you say that?” I asked rolling my eyes, even though he was right. I didn’t want to accept it either but I  _did_ care. I shouldn’t but I did. I preferred to call it sympathy for a fellow human being’s plight but whatever.

 

Instead of answering me, Sam just gave me a knowing enigmatic smile. “He needs your help and you’re all he got right now. Are you in?”

 

I stared at him like he’d grown two heads or something. Didn’t he remember how horrifying it had been the last time I agreed to be “in” with some plan of his? I still had the bruises around my neck to show for it. I had to wear turtlenecks and scarves for  _days_ , and let me tell you that with the size of my boobs, turtlenecks were definitely not a good look for me. How differently had I expected my day to go? It was supposed to be so freaking, nauseatingly normal damn it! This was not what I wanted – not at all. But once again, I was in a place to make a hard choice, and it felt like I had no choice at all.

 

 

“Fuck you, Sam Wilson,” I hissed. “I’m in.”

 

And I swear I heard him chuckle to himself saying, “Well, that was easy.” I should have shut the door in his smug, grinning face. I swear to you, I seriously considered it.

* * *

 

The first time I got a good look at the Winter Soldier once I arrived at the Avengers Tower, I didn’t expect find him looking so defeated and hopeless. Steve had assured and reassured that thanks to the restraints Stark had put up, it was perfectly safe to get a closer look but I still hesitated at the door. How could I not? The man  _had_  tried to kill me after all.

 

“You said it was a matter of life and death. He’s not dying,” I accused Sam. The notorious grin was the only response I got.

 

 

When I turned to look at the soldier again, I found that he was now very aware of my presence and was staring at me. No, I stand corrected. He was  _glaring_  at me. “Uh…why is he looking at me like that?” I asked nervously.

 

“Maybe he’s trying to remember who you are,” Sam volunteered but I don’t think even he believed his own words. The soldier remembered me. Oh he remembered me just fine. How would he forget? I was the girl who got him captured by the Avengers. I would think people tend to remember crappy things like that.

 

“Are you sure this is safe?” I asked looking at Steve.

 

“Of course it is. I designed it,” a voice drawled behind me and I turned to find the infamous Tony freaking Stark himself sauntering towards me like he owned the place. Knowing him, he probably did. He stopped right in front of me and asked Steve, “Is this your secret Bucky-weapon?”

 

“Stark,” Steve said exasperatedly. “This is Dr. Y/L/N.”

 

And I realized that this ‘secret Bucky-weapon’ he referred to was in fact me.

 

The billionaire turned to face me with an appraising look. “Nice to meet you, Doc. So let’s see what you got.”

 

I forced out a smile at the three superheroes in my presence and turned to look at the ‘patient,’ who was of course still glaring at me. He glared as I walked towards him and every step I took felt like a step closer to a near-death experience just waiting to happen to me. I know it sounds melodramatic and in any other situation, it would be just so. But in this case, it was fact. Getting close to the Winter Soldier could only end deadly for me. I’d rather face a firing squad.

 

I looked at the glaring face that had haunted my sleep for weeks now. “Hey, there…you,” I said trying to smile weakly. I had almost called him ‘Bucky’ but I stopped myself in time, and settled awkwardly for ‘you’ instead. “I’m just trying to help you and fix your arm, okay?”

 

Then I forced myself to let go of all the fear and nervousness to actually do my job. Sometimes I was grateful for this special talent of compartmentalizing I had. And once I started my work on his arm, I fell into a natural rhythm that I was so used to.

 

When he sneezed right in my ear though, I jumped away with a scream.

 

He stared at me, almost as alarmed by me as I was by him. Then a moment later, he whispered, “I had to sneeze.” It was almost comical. Almost. This super scary, super strong, murderous, unstable assassin had to sneeze. It was yet another reminder that he was human too, just like everyone else.

 

I stepped back closer and looked at the other occupants of the room who stood a few feet away. Tony, who had just the hand part of the Iron Man suit on, carefully lowered it. Sam released the grip on the gun at his waist he had just been about to pull out. Steve was just alert and ready to go.

 

The sight made me giggle. I forgot who I was with for a moment and I just said, without thinking, as if the Winter Soldier was just another person I knew, “I think you scared them.”

 

His next words made me stop midway in the procedure. “I don’t bite, doll. Not unless you want me to.” He said it so casually, like it was second nature to him and I gaped at him with my mouth half open. He had said it in such a low voice that I was sure I was the only one who had heard it. Did he actually even say that or did I imagine that?

 

“Are you…Did you…” I whispered, in shock, barely managing to get the words out. “Did you just  _flirt_ with me?”

 

He stared at me. The look on his face told me that his words had surprised him as much as they had surprised me. Perhaps even more. I supposed since he’d been out of cryo-freeze, his real personality was seeping through the Winter Soldier exterior against his control and without his knowledge. There was so much confusion in his eyes. So much anguish and pain, that I could have cried for him. I cursed Hydra in my mind.

 

“It’s okay,” I said trying to smile and make him comfortable. “Let’s just fix your arm.”

 

* * *

 

The look on the doctor’s face reminded him he should be angry. The smile, though it made her look pretty, was full of pity for him and he hated it. He didn’t need anyone’s pity – least of all  _hers_. If not for her, he wouldn’t even be here.

 

“It’s done,” she said triumphantly a few minutes and a few jabs at his arm later, and stepped back a little to examine the metal arm. “It should work just fine now, as good as new.”

 

Staying as calm as possible, he tested out the restraints. She fell into a conversation with the man they called Stark about the procedure she’d just performed and he took this opportunity to gauge his surroundings. His training had him scouting for exit points and vulnerabilities.

 

When she turned back to him, without warning, he broke free of the restraints and stood up, wrapping a hand around her beautiful fragile throat. The winged man, who didn’t have his wings right now and the man on the bridge stepped closer.

 

“Let her go, Buck. Don’t do this,” the latter said.

 

“I got a shot, Cap. I can take it,” Stark said aiming the power of the Iron Man arm at the Winter Soldier.

 

The soldier stayed still, and calm…unmoving. The grip around the doctor’s throat wasn’t even that tight. He didn’t really want to hurt her. He just didn’t want to be a prisoner anymore.

 

“Stark, no!” the man on the bridge said, pushing this Stark out of the way.

 

Steve stepped closer, trying to reason. “This is not who you are, Bucky. You don’t have to do this anymore. You’re safe from Hydra. You’re free.”

 

“Am I?” the soldier asked, letting go of Y/N, almost as if he had forgotten he had been strangling her in the first place. “Then why am I locked up in this place?” he screamed in anger, all the anguish directed at Steve.

 

“You’re not a prisoner here, Buck,” Steve said, shocked that he even thought that. “I only want to help you.”

 

The soldier stepped closer towards Steve menacingly. “I was supposed to  _kill_  you.”

 

“But you didn’t,” Steve reminded. “You know why.”

 

“I don’t  _know you!_ ” the other yelled angrily.

 

“You do, Buck,” Steve whispered brokenly, hating to see the pain in Bucky’s eyes. He could see the confusion tearing his friend apart. “You know me,” he repeated.

 

“I don’t.” His voice was softer this time, his eyes lowered. “I feel like I do. I feel like I should remember you,” he confessed, “but I don’t.”

 

Seeing that Bucky was calmer now, Steve stepped a little closer, almost daring to lay a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Bucky flinched, but he didn’t exactly move away. “Would you like to remember, Buck?” he asked softly.

 

His answer was simple. “Yes.”

* * *

 

I was wrapping up my equipment and my other stuff. Tony Stark was keeping me company. Sam had left saying he had some stuff to take care of. Steve had escorted the Winter Soldier back to his room now that he had actually agreed to receive help.

 

“You’re good at this you know,” Stark said, looking at me pensively. “I could use someone of your skills for my work.”

 

I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help it.

 

“I’m serious, Doc,” he said, sounding almost offended.

 

“Do you see this?” I gestured towards my neck that I knew was probably bruising already. “ _This_  is why I got out. So thanks, but no thanks.”

 

He took a paper and wrote something down, only to slide the piece of paper towards me.

 

 

“What’s this?” I asked curiously.

 

 

“Your salary, if you do in fact decide to work me,” he simply replied, grinning like he knew something I didn’t.

 

 

I picked up the paper curiously to find an obscenely huge amount written on it. He wasn’t serious. He couldn’t be. I couldn’t help but grin as I said, “When do I start?”

 

“I knew you’d change your mind,” he smirked.

 

“Or maybe I said no first to hike up the pay,” I said, smirking right back.

 

He seemed taken back. “You knew I’d make the offer?”

 

“Of course I did. I am the best there is.”

 

And that was in fact, the truth. I had known he’d make the offer. I had known it the moment he started asking so many specifics about the procedure. He was too interested by my work not to. And I knew I was going to say yes when I had seen the helpless look in the soldier’s eyes when he had accepted Steve’s help. I knew it shouldn’t sway me. I knew it shouldn’t affect me, but I did. No, I didn’t pity him but for some reason, I felt like maybe I could help him too.

 

My mother - God bless her soul - had always complained that I’d had a serious issue ever since I was a child. I had had the tendency of finding lost things to help. Stray cats, lost puppies, friendless kids in school…you name it. I was drawn to lost causes. Yes, I knew the Winter Soldier was a much more dangerous thing to be drawn to than a helpless stray cat but the fact of it was that I was indeed drawn to him.

 

Of course the hike in salary had tipped the scale. So had the opportunity for research. So had the chance to work for the freaking Avengers for God’s sake. But yes, I had made the final decision for all the wrong reasons.

 

 

I had to be the most stupidest, reckless and craziest person in the planet.

 

 

I had decided to take the job to be around the man who had tried to kill me – twice.


	8. Chapter 8

It has been weeks since she moved into the tower. It’s been almost a month and she’d seen naught of the building except for her lab, Stark’s lab and Banner’s lab. The only company she’d kept had been Stark, Banner, Dr. Cho and a little bit of Steve whenever he dropped by in between missions.

She wasn’t avoiding anyone. It wasn’t like she made a quick exit or whatever whenever she caught a glint of anything shiny and silver from the corner of her eye.

She had just been busy. It was a lot to take in – this whole Avengers business. The technology available to her due to Stark’s generous endorsements was mind blowing. She’d been tinkering here and there, learning a bit from Dr. Helen Cho, and starting  numerous projects she hadn’t even dreamt of being part of.

Bruce was good company as well as an excellent sounding board for her ideas. He demanded basically nothing from her. It was easy since he got her lingo when it came to her work and she never had to explain things to him. She was well aware of his tendency to turn into a fearsome green rage monster, but knowing him the way she’d gotten to, it was hard to imagine. But she’d seen the news. She knew what he could do. She made a point not to get him riled up.

Y/N was in Bruce’s lab, sipping on coffee and watching him work when Steve came in. She turned to him with a smile. “Hey there, Captain.”

“I looked for you in your lab.”

“Well, you found me! What’s up, Steve?” she asked him.

Things were easy with him too. He was always nice to her. He checked in to make sure she was settling in okay and she knew he didn’t have to do that. She knew he had bigger problems in his hands – an amnesiac assassin of a best friend to be specific. Still, he made time to find her like he was doing now.

“It’s been six weeks, Doc,” he said raising a brow at her. He’d stuck with Doc as a nickname for her even though there were quite a few Doctors around the tower, including the one next to her who strategically seemed to be focused on his laptop at the moment. “You haven’t left your labs in six whole weeks. I think it’s time we changed that don’t you think?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “I’m content here, Steve. I’m here to work and I like my work.”

“Seems to me you’re just avoiding something,” he said, and then almost as an afterthought, he added, “Or someone.”

“I’m not avoiding your Bucky!” she said indignantly.

“I didn’t even  _say_  anything about him,” Steve quipped back at her, and a smirk was slowly creeping up on his face. She shifted uncomfortably and he quickly moved to put her out of her misery by changing the subject. She was definitely avoiding Bucky and considering what she’d been through because of him, Steve couldn’t really blame her. “So listen. Stark’s got this little get together thing happening tonight. You should come.”

“Yeah, Y/N. You should. You could meet Natasha,” Banner said joining in.

She sighed in resignation. “You guys are ganging up on me. This isn’t fair,” she complained. Then trying to sound quite nonchalant about it, she asked Steve, “Is Bucky going to be there?”

Steve saw right through it. “He might,” he said honestly. “He’s been making a lot of progress in the past month or so, Y/N. He won’t lose control again like last time.”

“Like last time? You mean when he tried to freaking strangle me?  _Again_?” Y/N reminded him bitterly. In truth, she bore no ill will towards Bucky Barnes. She really didn’t. In fact, a part of her truly wanted to get to know him. She wanted to help him. But the other part of her was still very much terrified of him. He haunted her nights and she didn’t like feeling this afraid of anything.

Steve sighed. “I’m sorry, Doc. It’s my fault you had to go through all that.” He looked truly remorseful even though it wasn’t all his fault. Not really. She’d made her own choices. Steve hadn’t exactly forced her to do anything or get involved. There hadn’t been a gun to her head when she’d agreed to help Steve track down the Winter Soldier. “It’s different now. He’s not the Winter Soldier anymore. He won’t go off the handle. And if he does, I’ll be right there.” When she didn’t look convinced, he added, “He might not even come. But you should. It’s time you met the rest of the team.”

She couldn’t resist him when he was so logical and nice about it. The Captain had a way of persuading people with charm and honesty. “Fiiiiine,” she agreed. “What kind of get together is this? Casual? Can I wear jeans?”

Steve just shrugged. “You could wear whatever. It’s just a small get together. At least that’s what it’s supposed to be.”

Bruce laughed. “Uh, this is Tony we are talking about. There’s nothing small about his events.” He pointedly looked at Y/N with a grin. “You, my friend, need to glam it up.”

She groaned in defeat. “How do I always end up agreeing to do things I really,  _really_  don’t wanna do?” She asked and looked up to find both Steve and Bruce grinning at her like they had no idea what she was talking about. “You guys are horrible, you know that?”

The grins never faded away. “I’ll see you tonight, Doc, and you better save a dance for me,” Steve said with a wink before he walked out of the lab, leaving Y/N glaring accusatorily at a grinning Bruce Banner.

* * *

 

It’s been weeks. He knew she was avoiding him. She had good reason to. He had given her more than enough reason to.

Now that he was slowly remembering his past and who he was, he deeply regretted things. What he had done while he was with Hydra, he couldn’t exactly atone for so he pushed it out of his mind as much as he could. But how he had wronged the doctor – he knew he could make things right.

He needed to apologize or something. He needed to tell her that he didn’t mean to, that this was not who he really was. It’s true he had no idea what kind of person he was but he was figuring it out, and he knew he wasn’t someone who attacked defenseless innocents trying to help him. He needed her to understand. He didn’t know why but he desperately needed her to.

He  _needed_  to make things right with her, but she wouldn’t let him.

They’ve been in the same building for exactly six weeks now and he’d barely caught a glimpse of her. She’d been cooped up in her own lab or Banner’s, and if he walked into the same room as she by some chance, she disappeared before he could even approach her.

He’d even stopped by her room a few nights. He shouldn’t have. If Steve found out, he wouldn’t be happy about that. But now it’s become a habit. He needed to check up on her before he found sleep. He needed to know she was okay, that she wasn’t running away. He knew he was starting obsess a little. He really shouldn’t.

He just needed to tell her how sorry he was.

He just needed to see her smile at him.

He wanted to slap himself for his line of thought. He was a freaking soldier – not some sappy sop. He ought to remember that.


	9. Chapter 9

When Y/N stepped into the hall, she instantly knew that Bruce had been right. Tony Stark didn’t throw measly get-togethers. He threw horrendously lavish galas. She felt grateful for the heads up she’d received because she’d have looked severely underdressed in a pair of jeans. Clad in a knee length black dress that hugged her curves in just the right way, she grabbed a glass of champagne off a passing by waiter. Liquid courage was needed to survive a social gathering of this magnitude. The introvert in her  _hated_ crowds, and yet, she put forward a smile and tried to find a familiar face.

 

It had not been her intention but her eyes landed on  _him_ , and once they did, she couldn’t look away. He looked  _so_ different – less of an assassin and more of a gentleman. She imagined this was what he must have looked like back then in the 40s before Hydra took hold of him.

 

 He was dressed in a sharp grey suit that accentuated his broad shoulders. His hair was slicked back and tucked into low ponytail. He looked less like the easy social butterfly Steve had claimed him to be and looked a bit lost among everyone else. He seemed to almost hate being in a crowd as much as she did. A glass of whiskey was in his hand and he seemed to be staring into it as if the amber liquid fascinated him beyond belief. She didn’t know why he was even drinking that. It wasn’t like he could get drunk.

 

Then he looked up and his eyes met hers unflinchingly, unhesitatingly almost as if he had known she was watching him – almost like he had a sixth sense or something.

 

In a glance, he took in all the details at once. She looked stunning in that dress. It was true that he preferred her face when it was scrubbed clean and framed by a pair of glasses she was always wearing but whatever make up she’d done tonight made her look so sultry and sensual. It drew him to her in a way that almost alarmed him. The red on her lips urged him to just kiss her and that feeling surprised him more than anything. He took a step forward. He needed to talk to her, to make amends. Yet, something on her face stopped him.

 

She looked so wary of him, so afraid. It was true that he had put that fear in her by his own doing but he hated it. However, by the time he convinced himself to approach her, it was too late. She had company.

 

When Bruce walked towards her with a genuine smile and a gorgeous redhead tailing behind him, Y/N couldn’t help but feel relieved. She knew the soldier had been about to walk up to her. She knew she wasn’t ready for that. She knew it had to happen sometime but maybe not today – not now with all these people around.

 

“Y/N, this is Natasha,” Bruce said simply.

 

Bruce and Natasha had  _something_  going on but neither of them had worked towards labeling it yet. They didn’t need to because it was obvious how happy they made each other regardless of the odds against them. That was more than enough.

 

“Pleasure to finally meet you, Natasha. I’ve heard  _so_ much about you. Seriously, Bruce won’t stop talking about you,” Y/N said making Natasha laugh and instantly take a liking to the Doc.

 

“Call me Nat,” the redhead said. “That’s what all my friends call me.”

 

They fell into easy conversation and Nat took it upon herself to make sure Y/N met everyone. A few drinks in, Thor insisted she try to lift Mjolnir, which of course didn’t work out too well. When Tony introduced her to Pepper Potts, she was with Jane Foster and Y/N was in complete awe to meet two of the women she’d admired for the longest time. They were then joined by Agent Hill, who insisted that she was  _Maria_  when she was not working. Soon enough, they were having a full on dishing session about the amount of testosterone they all had to deal with on a daily basis and the male egos they had to protect, which had Y/N tearing up with laughter.

 

Y/N hadn’t expected to have fun or least of all make friends but she had done both that night. Somehow they had so much to talk about, that is, up until the moment Tony came to break up the group so he could dance with Pepper.

 

“I got to find a certain God and make him dance with me,” said a giggly and tipsy Jane as she walked away, slightly swaying.

 

Y/N looked at Nat with a grin. “Shouldn’t you go find a certain dork and make him dance too?”

 

“And leave you here all alone?” Nat asked with a look of exaggerated shock.

 

“I’ll be  _fine!_ ” Y/N insisted.

 

“After all the tequila you’ve had, it’s not you I’m worried about,” Nat replied, making Y/N laugh. Then she looked at Maria pointedly and said with a wink, “You better keep an eye on Doc.” With that, the redhead walked away looking for Bruce.

 

“I’m not even that drunk,” Y/N said to Maria with a slightly confused face.

 

“Mhm. If you say so, Doc,” Maria replied with a grin.

* * *

 

“Hey, Buck! Are you even listening to me?” Steve asked peering into Bucky’s face, and trying to get his attention.

 

The soldier’s attention was for some unfathomable reason, taken up completely by a certain doctor in a figure hugging black dress who seemed to be having the time of her life at the moment. It made him happy to see her so animated and yet at the same time, it frustrated him to know she’d never be that way with him – not after the things he’d done. This realization made him regret what he’s done and what he’d been more than ever.

 

Forcing his eyes away from  _her_ , Bucky turned to face Steve once more. “Yeah. I mean, no. What were you saying?”

 

Steve could see that his friend was preoccupied. He could see that there was something on Bucky’s mind and whatever it was, it was haunting him. He seemed so lost and forlorn, and Steve didn’t know how to help him. He was recovering his memories back every day, little by little, and with each memory that came, Bucky seemed more despaired. Steve understood why but he wished there was some way to make it stop.

 

“You alright?” Steve asked, even though he knew what the response would be.

 

Bucky nodded curtly. He wished Steve would stop asking him that. Obviously, he was far from “alright” and they both knew it. “What were you saying?” he asked trying to divert the conversation away from him.

 

Steve forced out a smile, trying to keep things light even though he knew Bucky was lying to him. “Never mind about that. Will you be okay here without me for a bit?” A brief shrug was the only response he got. “Okay then. I’m going to find Y/N. She owes me a dance.”

 

Bucky watched him walk away. He watched while Steve gallantly asked the doctor to dance with him. He watched her accept and let herself be led on to the dance floor. He watched them dance and the way he saw it, they were way too close than they should be. He was so engrossed in his observation that he didn’t notice when company joined him.

 

“Are you trying to kill someone with your eyes now?” a voice asked, breaking his concentration and making him glance in that direction.

 

“Natasha,” he acknowledged the redhead with a brief nod, and completely ignored her question.

 

She glanced at what the Winter Soldier had been watching – the sight of Steve and Y/N dancing. A smirk crept up her face. “Well, well, well. You have a little thing for the doc, don’t ya?”

 

“Natasha,” he warned, getting a little annoyed. 

 

 

His relationship with Natasha Romanoff was, for the lack of a better word, weird. They had history – some of it violent, some of it professional, and some of it was even sexual. Somehow, they’d found a way to keep all that just what it was – history. They’ve evolved into something that was close to friends. Of the lot living in the tower, she was the one person who came closest to even remotely understanding what he’d been through and the horror of the things he’d done. Still, she did annoy the hell out of him sometimes.

 

“Careful, soldier,” Nat said easily, without heat, and glancing back at Steve holding Y/N on the dance floor. “It looks like you’re not the only one interested.”

 

Then, Natasha walked away, leaving him alone to wonder if her words held any weight. He wondered if it mattered if what she said turned out to be true. Was he interested in the Doc? Was Steve? Would it matter if his best friend wanted the same girl that he did? He angrily pushed the thoughts away and left the party so he didn’t have to think anymore…so he didn’t have to see them together anymore.

* * *

 

“Steve! You don’t have to walk me to my room. It’s basically just two floors up! Two teeny tiny floors,” Y/N protested even as she demonstrated how much Steve needed to escort her back up by tripping on her heels. She  _was_ a little drunk.

 

Steve just smiled. “Maybe you should take those off?” he suggested.

 

She grinned up at him as if he was the smartest man to ever exist. “Good idea! What would I do without you, Cap?”

 

He grinned back as he stood still as a support she could hold on to while she slipped off the shoes one by one. “Probably trip on your own shoes and break your neck,” he quipped.

 

When they reached her room, he politely bid her good night and walked away. Y/N wistfully stared at him wondering why she couldn’t be attracted to someone good and uncomplicated like Steve Rogers. Instead, it had to be the dark haired man with the bluest eyes and a bionic arm that made her have butterflies in her stomach. He made her feel things even while he terrified her, and he was nothing but complicated.

 

 

She sighed and stepped inside, thinking about the unfortunate predicament she was finding herself in. She switched on her lights to find someone sitting on the chair by the window.

 

She couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her. Immobile with shock and fear, she stared as he walked towards her and reached behind her to lock her door.

 

“Are you going to scream?” he asked calmly and she shook her head to indicate that she wouldn’t.

 

Startling her, Friday’s voice spoke up. “I’m sensing an elevated heart rate and other conditions indicating distress. Do you require assistance, Dr. Y/L/N?”

 

He took a step back and stared at her as he mocked the mechanical voice of the AI. “Yes, Dr. Y/L/N. Do you require assistance?”

 

“No, Friday, I do not,” Y/N said as calmly as she could but her voice came out in a whisper. “Thank you.”

 

“Pleasure to be of service. Goodnight, Dr. Y/L/N. Goodnight, Sergeant Barnes.” With that, Friday fell silent, and they were now truly alone in her room.

 

She stared at him and he stared back. He was dressed in a simple hoodie and jeans. It was so strange to see him dressed so casually when she was so used to seeing him forever combat-ready. Dressed like this, and with his hair slightly mussed up, he looked almost normal and vulnerable. She forced herself to remember not to let her guard down. Whatever he looked like, he was still a highly trained assassin  - one that had tried to kill her  _twice_. She needed to remember that.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked him in a fragile whisper. She felt herself starting to shake so she gripped her hands together in front of her. Seconds earlier, she’d felt tipsy. Now, she’d never felt so sober in her life.

 

He ignored her question. “You’ve been avoiding me.” It wasn’t a question so she didn’t exactly think she had to answer. Faced with her silence, he continued. “I just wanted to apologize. I know there aren’t any excuses that could make things okay.” He looked away, remembering the look of fear he’d seen in her eyes when he’d grabbed her. “I’m just sorry.”

 

“Apology accepted,” she replied simply.

 

He glanced up in surprise. “Just like that?”

 

She nodded. “Just like that.” He didn’t look the least bit convinced, so she continued. “You were confused and traumatized, and I know you had every reason to be. I don’t blame you. I never did. I’m just…”

 

“Terrified of me,” he finished for her.

 

“Can you blame me, Bucky?” she asked, for the first time using his old name. Then feeling awkward about it, she asked, “Is it okay if I call you Bucky? I mean I don’t know what to call you. I’m trying not to think of you as the Winter Soldier and…”

 

“Me too,” he whispered and in those two words, she saw so much regret and pain. Then a mask fell over and he seemed to shut it out. “You can call me Bucky, or even James,” he said with a slight smile. It might have been the first Y/N had seen on him. It made her smile back despite her apprehension.

 

“So, James. Did you sneak into my room in the dead of night to apologize to me and convince me not to be afraid of you?” she asked, raising a brow at him.

 

“Yes.”

 

“You do know that this is the least effective way to do that right?”

 

“You didn’t give me a choice now did you?” he quipped right back. “You should sleep and I should leave,” he said, dismissing the conversation and moved towards the door.

 

She moved back to keep a wide berth while he walked out. Sure, she could forgive him. Sure, she could carry on a calm conversation with him. But no way in hell would she be ready to let him close just yet.

 

Standing outside her door, he stalled. “You shouldn’t tell Steve that I was here.”

 

“I won’t,” she promised, with a slight smile.

 

Then he turned to leave, only to turn back to face her. “I didn’t come to convince you not to be afraid of me though,” he told her solemnly. “You  _should_ be afraid of me. You know what I am capable of. I just want you to know I won’t hurt you – not knowingly.”

 

She acknowledged those words with a solemn nod. “Goodnight, James.”

 

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

 

She shut the door and leaned with her back against it. Her heart was pounding and she could almost hear it. She didn’t know if it was just out of fear or something more.

 

This ‘ _something more_ ’ was what she should have be truly been afraid of.

 

 

Outside, Bucky stood still for a moment or two. Even with the door between them, he could still hear how fast her heart was beating. Yet she’d been so calm with him when she spoke to him. He appreciated that. He didn’t know what he’d have done if she had screamed. He was glad she had been calm.

 

 

But he wondered how calm she’d have been if she knew that all the while she spoke to him, he’d been staring at her full red lips thinking of just grabbing her and kissing her so she’d know not to dance with anyone but him. Would she have stayed calm  _then_?


	10. Chapter 10

The mission had taken way longer than anticipated. He was supposed to be gone for only three days but it ended up being a week. Steve was worried. Since Bucky came to live with them in the tower, this was the longest he’d been away.

 

So much could have happened. What if there had been an altercation between him and the Doc? What if his PTSD got worse? What if he… _broke_ something?

 

With the  _what if_ s racing through his mind, the first thing Steve did was find his way to Bucky’s room. It was empty. This escalated his concern but he did his best to tamp it down with rationality. He wasn’t in the common room. He wasn’t at the gym. He wasn’t with Tony since he and Pepper had flown off somewhere for business – more like a sweet retreat. With each place he checked and found no signs of Bucky, his concern got even worse.

 

What if he’d run away?

 

The thought destroyed Steve. It destroyed him because it meant Bucky didn’t trust Steve enough to be there for him through his recovery. It destroyed him because it meant he’d lost his best friend all over again.

 

Steve needed to talk to someone. Well, not just any someone. He needed to talk to the one person who’d always listened to him ramble on and on about his worries over Bucky. He needed to find Doc. Sure, she got upset whenever Bucky was in the room. Sure, she didn’t want anything whatsoever to do with Bucky. Steve didn’t blame her. But regardless of her own feelings, she’d always listened to Steve whenever he needed someone to talk to. He needed her now more than ever. She could help him figure out whether or not he should chase after the runaway or just let things be.

 

What Steve saw when he entered the Doc’s lab startled him. It startled him enough that his voice came out in a yell that was louder than he’d intended. “Bucky!”

 

The occupants of the lab, who were equally startled by the unexpected outburst, scrambled to turn around, and in that hurry, a certain someone turned too quickly. Things – probably a lot of valuable things – crashed to the floor, making Y/N wince.

 

“What the hell, Steve? You scared the shit out of me!” Y/N accused. She didn’t yell. But boy she was mad! Steve was just staring now. Y/N continued, “And if you say  _language_  right now, I swear to God, I’d slap you.”

 

Steve took a deep breath and took the scene in. Y/N was fuming, obviously mad at him. Bucky was staring down at the floor – at the mess he’d created. He was sneaking up a look at the Doc to see if she was mad at him. There was coffee spilled all over the table they’d been sitting at.

 

“I thought…never mind. I was looking for Bucky. Sorry,” Steve apologized weakly.

 

“Well you found him!” Y/N said, pointing to the soldier.

 

Bucky looked up with confusion contorting his face. “She invited me to have coffee with her.” The way he said it, the unasked question was whether he was not supposed to.

 

Then quickly he bent down to gather the broken glass and clean up the mess, but Y/N stopped him. Her entire demeanor changed when she addressed him. “Let it be. I’ll take care of it. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” she said to him, offering a gentle smile.

 

Bucky smiled back as he stood up. “Okay. Later.” He turned towards Steve, who of course had a look of utter confusion on  _his_ face. “You should close your mouth, Steve. You look stupid.” And with that, he walked out of the lab.

 

Steve looked at Y/N and then at his best friend’s departing form. “Did I miss something?” He never got an answer to that. Y/N shooed him out of her lab saying she had work to do and more of it thanks to him.

_Did_  he miss something?

* * *

 

Throughout the following weeks, every time Steve went to meet up with Bucky for training or to just check up on him, it seemed as if Buck was always saying bye to Y/N. It was obvious the two was getting closer but Steve had no clue as to how this had come about. Last time he remembered, she was terrified of him. That did not seem to be the case anymore.

 

It was a fine Saturday morning when he was pouring himself a nice cup of coffee that Y/N found him in the common kitchen. “Good morning,” he greeted her cheerily, which was returned with equal enthusiasm.

 

“So…we were wondering,” Y/N said, and it was then that Steve noticed Bucky standing by the entrance. “We were wondering if James and I could watch  _Game of Thrones_  in the common room…”

 

Steve stared at Y/N and then at Bucky, who looked a little nervous. “Uh…you don’t need to ask for my permission, right?”

 

“That’s what I said!” Y/N exclaimed. “But Bucky kinda insisted.” Then she walked towards Bucky and whispered, “Told you it would be cool.”

 

Bucky stared long and hard at the Doc before he said in a matter-of-fact voice, “ _Winter_  is cool.”

 

Y/N blinked up at him in confusion. “Was that…was that a  _pun_?” Bucky was smirking. She rolled her eyes at him and turned to Steve. “He’s throwing puns at me.”

 

Steve didn’t know how to react. Not only were they communicating but it almost seemed like Bucky and Doc had become friends.  _When_ in the world had this happened and how had he missed it?

 

Receiving no response from Steve, she thanked him and left with a silent ex-assassin trailing behind her.

* * *

 

“That Joffrey! What a…” Bucky trailed off, frustrated with a fictional character. Y/N thought it was adorable.

 

They’d gotten through almost to the end of the first season of  _Game of Thrones_. “I love Daenarys!” Y/N told him. “She’s so brave and  _good_. Who’s your favorite?”

 

“I like the Starks. You know why,” he said with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

 

“Don’t you dare!” Y/N warned playfully.

 

“ _Winter is coming._ ” He did. He said it. “I could use that you know. That could be my opening line before I go into a fight or when I’m with a woman…” He trailed off, and looked nervously at Y/N. He hadn’t meant to go off in that direction.  _Damn it._

 

Y/N tried her best to ignore that last part and asked, “Do you want something to eat? We could order in pizza.”

 

Before Bucky could reply, his phone rang. It was Steve.

 

“Buck, I need you in the conference room in two minutes,” Steve said.

 

“Okay,” Bucky replied, slightly confused. The conference room was where the Avengers discussed mission details or any official business. He was  _not_ an Avenger. “What’s going on?”

 

“We have intel on a possible Hydra base. We are going to take it down. I thought you might want in on this mission.”

_Hell yes!_  He wanted in. He wanted to take down as many Hydra bases as he could get his hands on. “I want in, but I don’t know if I’m ready to go back into a mission, Steve.” It wasn’t a lack of confidence in his abilities but he’d always been one to handle things solo. He didn’t know how he’d fare in a team environment. Knowing that, he didn’t want to put the mission in jeopardy. He was a soldier first and foremost.

 

“I think you are,” Steve replied. “And I got your back. Two minutes.”

 

The call ended and Bucky stared at the phone in his hands. Things were racing through his mind. He didn’t want to face Hydra again. The fear of again going through what he suffered in the last few decades almost crippled him. And yet, at the same time, he wanted to. He wanted to face those sons of bitches and destroy them for what they did to him…for what they took away from him.

 

“You’re going on a mission,” Y/N stated matter-of-factly. Bucky nodded. Y/N noted he didn’t seem happy about it. “You’re a freaking super soldier. You got this. You know that right?”

 

“That’s not it. They are going after a Hydra base. I can’t. I can’t go through that again, Y/N,” he said. He was staring straight ahead, almost as if he didn’t see her. He was lost in his own torment.

 

She laid a gentle hand on his arm. He flinched. It had become his natural reaction to physical contact. Still, he let her. “So don’t get caught,” she told him making him glance at her. “Be the Winter freaking Soldier. Take care of those Hydra assholes. And just come back here.” Then she grinned, and added, “I’ll be waiting with pizza and more TV shows for you to catch up on.”

 

 

The last made him smile too. She made him feel something he hadn’t felt in a while. He was happy with her. It was such a strange feeling. “Just for the pizza, I’ll do my best to make it back.”

 

She rolled her eyes at him. “I bet, soldier.” He wanted to kiss that smirk off her smart-ass mouth.

 

And yet, it  _was_ the truth. She gave him reason to come back. It was something he hadn’t had for the longest time – something to come back to. He meant not to lose it. Not if he could help it.

 

But even the best laid plans have a way of going awry.


	11. Chapter 11

When her phone beeped insistently in the middle of the night, it woke her up with the most distinct feeling of dread.

 

She checked it to find that it was a 911 from the medic wing. She was needed.

 

The feeling of dread increased to magnitude proportions. When she hastily put on whatever clothes that came handy and made her way to the wing, she had a momentary bout of panic due to the sight before her.

_Bucky!_

 

He was strapped to the table. The machines were beeping like crazy. Instantly she met his eyes, seeking reaffirmation that he was still okay but his eyes were wild. There was anger and so much confusion in them that it almost made her panic. Her assistants started rattling off a list of things that were wrong with him and slowly it started registering on her brain.  _Two broken ribs. Blood pressure was dropping. Possible internal bleeding. GSW to the shoulder and chest. Possibly a collapsing lung._

 

She had her work cut out for her and she tried to compartmentalize her personal feelings out of what was ahead. She got to work, calmly taking over his care.

 

When she reached his side, she laid a hand on his uninjured shoulder and gently pushed him back. “You’re home. I got you, Bucky,” she said, trying to reassure him. “I got you.” The thrashing soldier subsided. She couldn’t be certain whether it was because of her words or the anesthesia he was put under.

 

As she scrubbed in to prep him for immediate surgery, Y/N wondered,  _what the hell had happened on this mission?_

* * *

After 12 hours of grueling surgery, Y/N walked out of the medic wing knowing Bucky was okay. He was stable. Him being a super soldier of the same caliber as Captain America, there was no doubt that he’d make a swift recovery now that he’d been patched up.

 

Before she collapsed on to her bed in exhaustion, she wanted to find Steve and let him know of the good news. She knew he’d be worrying. She found him at the command center.

 

The lights were out, and the room was empty except for Steve. He was engrossed on satellite footage of some dark building that was projected on the big screen. He was staring at it, his jaw ticking. It was disconcerting to see him that way.

 

She was debating within herself whether or not this was the best time to intrude on whatever it was that Steve was doing, when something silver and distinctly familiar caught her eye on the screen.

 

Bucky was going straight at someone guns blazing – no rush, no fear…just slow and deliberate moves of precision. When the gun jammed or something, he simply threw it aside, and started taking men out with his bare hands. There were no sounds, but she could imagine the sound of blood spurting and bones cracking. She’d seen violence before, but this was something else. It terrified her. It wasn’t the gore that got to her, but the look in Bucky’s eyes – no mercy. None whatsoever.

 

Suddenly the screen went blank, and Steve’s voice jarred her out of her own mind.

 

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” he told her solemnly.

 

“I…” she stuttered, unable to figure out what to say. What  _could_  she say?

 

“Whatever you’re thinking, don’t, Y/N,” Steve pleaded.

 

“How could I not, Steve?” she asked him, anguish in her eyes mirroring the thoughts in her head trying to reconcile the Bucky she had gotten to know these past few weeks with the assassin she’d just seen on screen. “It’s so,  _so_ easy for him. He barely even blinked when he snapped a man’s neck in two with his freaking bare hands!”

 

“It’s not,” he said. “It’s  _not_  easy, damn it. Not for him, not for any of us. It’s different when you’re out there, when you know it’s either you or them…when you know that even a moment’s hesitation could cost you your life or the life of the guy next to you. You can’t even begin to understand what it’s like,” he finished heatedly.

 

The vehemence in his words made her wonder if he was talking about Bucky or himself – maybe it was both. A part of her knew he was right…she could never begin to understand what they go through or what they’ve been through. “You’re right,” she whispered.

 

“Back then, during the war, I was the symbol of this nation…but I knew even then that I couldn’t have made it without Bucky. He did the things that I couldn’t bring myself to do, the things that needed to be done. I have lost count of how many times he saved my life…”

 

“Steve, stop. You don’t have to do this. I don’t blame him…”

 

“No, Y/N,” he cut her off. “You need to know who he really is. He is  _not_ what Hydra made him. That,” he said pointing to the now blank screen, “That was  _not_  him reverting to his old days of whatever Hydra had him do. That was him  _saving_  my life, when we were cornered and ambushed. That was him doing what needed to be done.”

 

She felt wetness on her cheeks and she realized that she was crying. Maybe it was out of shame for being afraid of Bucky, who didn’t deserve the blame her mind almost put on him without even trying to understand what had happened. Maybe it was for all the nightmares he carried within him.

 

…or maybe it was for that smirking smile he’d thrown her way before he left, despite the anguish within him.

_Just for the pizza, I’ll do my best to make it back._  He’d almost laughed when he’d said that but it had meant so much more. He’d meant it as so much more, like he’d be coming home – to her. At least that was what she had hoped it meant.

_Oh shit._

 

“I’m in love with him,” she whispered aloud, in wonder of the sudden realization.

 

Startled, Steve looked up at her. “What?”

 

She knew he’d already heard her just fine the first time, so she didn’t repeat it but simply said, “He’s stable now. You can go see him. Good night, Steve.” Then she made a hasty retreat without giving him room to question anything about her feelings for his best friend before she got the chance to wrap her head around it.

 

She had gone and done it now, hadn’t she? Of all the people she could have picked?!  _Damn it._  But there was no denying it. There was no escaping it. She couldn’t figure out for the life of her what it could even mean but there was no doubt about it – she was in love with the amnesiac ex-Hydra super soldier of an assassin with the bionic arm. She was freaking  _in love_  with him.

_Fuck._

 

She was done for now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N and Bucky had been getting closer until a mission called him away. Then a late night distress call about Bucky being hurt set things in motion to put distance between the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry I took so long (2 years so long) to write the ending to this. I apologize profusely if my writing sucks. I’m a little rusty I’m afraid! :( Anyways…here’s the last part to Save Me From Myself. You’re always welcome to message me! <3

Y/N was avoiding him. She _did_ come to see him when he was in Med Care but it seemed like she made it a point to only visit when he was either asleep or when she was accompanied by Steve or Natasha. More often than not, he pretended to be asleep just to be in her presence longer and he felt like a fool for it.

 

There were many things he still didn’t understand about himself and where he fit in this new world, but _this_ was what ate at him the most. She was there, but she wasn’t. She spoke to him but all the inside jokes and stupid banter has been pushed aside to leave behind just polite peasantries. She was close enough to touch and yet never has she been furthest from his reach. He did not understand at all.

 

Talking to Steve put things in perspective as it usually did.

 

“So she saw the surveillance footage of the last mission?” Bucky asked just to make sure he was hearing things right. Steve nodded curtly. “How did that even happen, Steve?”

 

“She walked in while I was reviewing. I think she came to update about your condition post-surgery.”

 

“How much?” Bucky breathed out. “How _much_ did she see?”

 

“Enough.”

 

It was devastating for Steve to see the emotions warring against each other within his friend. The tension and horror was almost palpable. That mission had _not_ been pretty, and Bucky...what he was capable of was not mild.

 

 _Enough_. The word reverberated through Bucky’s mind. No wonder Y/N wanted nothing to do with him. She saw just how much of a monster he truly was – the killing machine. She finally knew that no matter how many shows they binged watched together or how many hours they spent idly chatting about life over coffee, there was a part of him that would _never_ be erased. The greatest part of him. The worst part of him.

 

“Bucky...” Steve reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder but he flinched away.

 

“I should have known,” he whispered in resignation, eyes closed, almost as if the words were uttered to himself.

 

“Known what?”

 

He looked Steve in the eye and there was such a sense of defeat and even a slight hint of anger simmering in the blue. “I’m not meant for good things.”

 

“Bucky...”

 

“That it was just a moment in time and soon reality of who I am would set in. I should have _known_ but I thought she was _different._ ”

 

 _She is in love with you._ Steve almost blurted it out but in the end he was glad he didn’t. It wasn’t his place to say it and even if it was, now was not the time.

 

He watched Bucky walk out. He hated seeing him that way. He hated that he felt he didn’t deserve good things in his life. Steve couldn’t help but feel angry at Doc. She _knew_ who Bucky was. She’d known from the very beginning what he was and what Hydra made him out to be. If she couldn’t handle what he came with, she shouldn’t have let him get so close to her at all.

 

But in the end, it was between them and Steve couldn’t interfere.

* * *

 

 

Y/N was typing away on her laptop when she heard the door to her lab open. She looked up to find Bucky closing the door behind him.

 

“Hey!” She greeted him with a smile but her hesitance was obvious and the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

 

In that moment, all of his well thought out intentions gave away and his anger took over. “You’re avoiding me.”

 

It wasn’t a question but she answered none the same. “Yes.”

 

“You saw the footage.”

 

“Yes.”

 

He took a deep breath, as if bolstering himself up for the rest of the conversation. “So that’s it then, is it? You finally saw what I truly am and everything we had is just thrown out of the window, just like that? Is that how little it all meant to you or am I so despicable that even having a fucking decent conversation with me is so damn disgusting to you?”

 

He waited with bated breath, anger evident in every bit of him, his stance defensive. He prayed she’d deny it. He expected her to shut him out.

 

She walked towards him so fast he didn’t see it coming till her fist collided with his chest. It didn’t hurt but the shock of it made him cry out.

 

“How _dare_ you?” She yelled.

 

 Y/N never yelled. Y/N was never physically violent. But here she was screaming her head off at him and punching him with every word. Bucky was too confounded to respond or even understand why the hell she was angry.

 

“Is that how little you think of me?” she asked, continuing without waiting for Bucky to say anything. “That I am _disgusted_ with you? That I am _afraid_ of you?” She pushed him and walked away.

 

“What else was I supposed to think, Y/N?” Bucky asked, his voice devoid of all anger now. All he wanted was to understand, to go back to what they had. He did not want to fight with her. He did not want to be mad at her.

 

She turned around to face him once more. “I was afraid _for_ you.” She took a few steps closer so that once again they were chest to chest with just mere inches between them.

 

Usually, such proximity unnerved Bucky. He was not still used to it. Yet, right now, he was so mesmerized by the emotions warring in her eyes to even think about putting distance between them. “What?” he asked, not fully comprehending what she meant.

 

“You walk into battle like you are immortal...like you’d never be hurt,” she whispered laying a gentle hand on his cheek. The few hours’ stubble prickled her but she didn’t care. He leaned into her touch subconsciously, craving her as he always seemed to. “But you’re human, Bucky. Stronger than most but still _human_ ,” she continued. “Do you know what it was like for me, to get that phone call in the middle of the night? To see you hurt? To know that there might be nothing I could do to save you?”

 

He didn’t answer. There was nothing he could say anyway.

 

“You mean so, _so_ much to me,” she said, and her words set his heart racing with hope and anticipation. So much so that she could probably feel it, as close as they were to each other. “I don’t know if I could ever be okay with you being so reckless with yourself. I don’t know if I would survive a minute while you are away at some mission, not knowing when or _if_ you’d come back,” she sobbed gently, looking down at her feet, unable to let him see so much vulnerability anymore.

 

Bucky gently cupped her face and made her look at him. It was imperative that he had her full attention for what he had to say. “I wish I could be someone else, too. Someone safe. Someone normal. Some nights, I can’t sleep. I stay up thinking of what could happen to you when I am not there. Mostly though, the thought that tortures me the most is what if something happens to you _because_ of me? I wish I could stay away from you. That would be the right thing to do. The safe thing.”

 

“Then why don’t you?” she whispered.

 

Bucky smiled. Even in such a heartbreaking moment, she was not going to let him off easy. She wanted the words. Who was he to deny her? “I love you, Y/N.”

 

He waited with bated breath for her to return the words but they didn’t come. She leaned in and kissed him instead.

 

She tasted as sweet as he imagined she would be. Things started off innocently enough, but soon her hands were tangled in his hair, pulling, demanding, and his were grabbing her by the hips trying to be as close as they could physically be.

 

He walked her back to her desk and she found herself half sitting, and half wrapped around his hips. She wondered why she was not more awkward or cautious about it but whatever that was happening with him right now, felt like an ancient dance they were both aware of. When he unbuttoned her top, she turned her face, giving him access to her neck. When she reached for the bottom of his t-shirt, he raised his arms allowing her to lift it off him barely even breaking their kiss.

 

Skin to skin, they were all deft movements and sensations. When Bucky plunged into her in one stroke, she held on to his shoulders seeking something just beyond her reach. He wanted her to find it too. One hand held her head, cradled, while the other slipped between them to her center, coaxing her to fall apart in his arms.

 

There was no sweet slow lovemaking. It was fast, hard, and urgent – both of them seeking confirmation in the other. When she came around him, screaming his name, he let go and allowed himself to come hard within her.

 

Later, they held on to each other, coming down from the high, half-dressed and half not. She hid her face in the crook of his neck. “Just so you know,” she said, in between trying to catch her breath, “Sex is not the answer to everything.”

 

He chuckled. “Well no,” he agreed. “Sex is the question, and _yes_ should always be the answer.”

 

Smiling, she pushed back on his chest to look up at him. “I’m serious though. We haven’t really worked out...”

 

“Y/N,” he interrupted her. “I have been on the wrong side of history for far too long. Whatever I can do to even the scale... I _have_ to do this. This is who I am. I wish I could promise you ‘ _safe’_ but I can’t. All I have is myself. I can promise to try and be careful, to be better at it but this _is_ what my life is. I could be walking down the street and get hit by a bus for all I know.”

 

“Except you’d be running towards a freaking train head on every time you are away,” she pointed out.

 

“All I know, is that I love you. All I can promise you is that I’d try better at being more careful,” he told her solemnly. What was unsaid was that she could either have him as he was, or she could choose to ignore all that was between them out of fear.

 

She wanted to be mad at him, but was this not why she loved him in the first place? Hydra tried to break everything out of him and yet, his conviction and sense of duty remained, dormant for a while, but still there.

 

“Alright,” she whispered, agreeing. “For the record, I love you too, Sargeant Barnes,” she said dragging him down for a kiss.

 

Things weren’t perfect. Things weren’t all planned out. Yet, she was his and he was hers. They had been each other’s for longer than either of them even knew...and that was all they needed. His past was still his past. Her fear was still in her heart. Neither of them were naïve enough to think that love would conquer all, but they were brave enough to try. It was enough. It was all they had, and it _was_ enough.

* * *

 

_The End._


End file.
